inside the vanu labs

[insaneferret]

grabbed from official forums, props to gamerguru for this great stuff, its a long read but its hilarious,
its a bit of fan fiction mocking the creations of the vanu arsenal by the absent minded professors Dr. Moopface and Dr. Limmy

Two men wearing labcoats stood at a table. The room was brightly lit and throbbed with alien energy. The Vanu insignia adorned everything.
"Behold," said the taller of the two scientists. "My creation. I shall call it the Beamer."

"A marvelous gun, Dr. Moopface. Have you tested it?"

"Not yet, Dr. Limmy. Shall we give it a test run?"

"You do the honors, doctor."

Dr. Moopface picked the weapon up and tested its weight. He smiled, running his hand down the weapon. A truly marvelous creation, a wonder of-

BZOW!

"Ow!"

"Oh my god! Dr. Limmy, are you alright?" Dr. Moopface dropped the weapon to the table and rushed to his fallen collegue.

Dr. Limmy sat up in Dr. Moopface's arms, a confused look on his face. "You... shot me..."

"I didn't mean to! The trigger slipped, I-"

"I actually don't feel that bad."

Dr. Moopface hesitated. "What? What do you mean?"

"I mean... I feel ok." Dr. Limmy rubbed his chest. "Actually... I think I just got the wind knocked out of me."

"But I shot you!" shouted Dr. Moopface, who was beginning to feel that something horribly wrong had taken place.

"I know. Isn't this wierd?" The two doctors stood, and Dr. Limmy picked the weapon up. Before Dr. Moopface could stop him, Limmy put the weapon to his head and pulled the trigger.

BZOW!

"Actually, it feels kinda tingly."

"Stop that."

"Its like a neat massage toy."

BZOW! BZOW! BZOW!

"Whoo!"

Dr. Moopface snatches the weapon from Dr. Limmy. "Give me that! This is a... highly dangerous tool of war!"

"Is there a reason why you didn't make your weapon lethal, Dr. Moopface?"

"Well, I had to tone down the damage a bit. You know, to fit in the AP mode."

"The AP mode? Why would it need that?"

Dr. Moopface smiled, holding the weapon higher. "Why, to make it reasonable against vehicles, of course."

"Last I checked, Dr. Moopface, the Terran Republic were not driving bigwheels."

"I hate you, Dr. Limmy."

[insaneferret]

Dr. Limmy descended the steps to Dr. Moopface's lab, holding the envelope in his hand. Upon entering, he spotted Dr. Moopface leaning over a table, both hands planted on the surface. His head was bowed low and he wasn't moving, creating the perfect image of the brooding scientist.
"Ahem."

"Yes?" asked Dr. Moopface, not looking up.

"Just wanted to let you know the beamer has been released to all Vanu soldiers."

"How wonderful."

"And we got a letter from the Terran Republic and the New Conglamorate. Says, 'About your beamer' on the envelope. I haven't opened it yet. Shall I do the honors?"

"You may."

Dr. Limmy tore the envelope open and took the peice of paper out. He unfolded it and read it out loud.

"Hm. It just says 'Thank you'... and hey!" He fished in the envelope and pulled out another paper. "Five bucks! Well, isn't that nice?"

"Yes... how nice of them."

Dr. Limmy frowned at Dr. Moopface's back. "Dr. Moopface, you seem rather subdued today."

"Dr. Limmy, have you ever had that feeling? That you have used science to some horrible end and unleashed a horror onto the world?"

"Oh, all the time."

"Dr. Limmy, I have unleashed a horrible thing this day. And while I take solace from the knowledge that it will be used for good... I cannot help but feel responsible for the deaths it will bring."

Dr. Limmy nodded. "Hopefully the deaths will be to the enemy, of course."

"Laugh all you want, Dr. Limmy. But you won't be laughing when you see... THIS!" He spun around, holding a strange weapon high in the air. "Do you see? Vanu and human technology fused into one in perfect lethal harmony! This, Dr. Limmy, is the key to our victory, and the death knell for the empires that oppose us!"

Dr. Limmy pursed his lips. "Ooh. Spiffy."

"Dr. Limmy, I give to you the honor of testing it. Go on... take it. Fear not its latent power."

Dr. Limmy took the offered weapon, holding it in his arms, testing its weight. "Never tested it before?"

"Never once. But I know, now, that my work is finished. No weapon can surpass this."

"What are you going to call it?"

Dr. Moopface stood tall and stuck out his chest. "The PULSAR."

"Ooh. Good name. Hey, is Steve around?"

"He was here earlier."

Dr. Limmy took a deep breath and called, "Hey! Steve! You around?"

A voice from the next room said, "Right here, Doc."

"Steve, come on in here. I need your, uh, assistance."

Labratory Assistant Steve wandered into the room, wiping axle grease on his overalls. "Yeah, doc?"

"Steve, when was the last time you bonded yourself to a matrix panel?" Dr. Limmy asked, looking at the weapon with the utmost innosence.

"Why, just this morning, in fact. Can't be too careful, right? Ha ha."

"Ha ha," aggreed Dr. Limmy. "Well put. Can you do me another favor?"

"Sure, doc, anything."

"Hold still."

BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-!

"AAAAGH!"

Steve hit the floor. And Dr. Limmy nodded his approval. "Very effective, Dr. Moopface. I believe you may have finally-"

"eeuguhgughguhghghg......."

Dr. Limmy froze, and walked over to Steve. Dr. Moopface followed, looking concerned. Steve lay in a pile on the floor, but still alive.

"Doc... that... hurt quite a bit..."

"Oh, come on, steve. At least cooperate."

BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-!

"There, that oughta-"

"Eugh....."

"EAT LEAD STEVE!"

Dr. Moopface lifted a finger. "Actually, its feuled with energy canis-"

"Shut up!"

BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-*click*...zoomp, ca-chunk...BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-!

The lab was filled with silence then. Dr. Limmy stepped forward and prodded Steve with his foot. Nothing. They both breathed a sigh of relief.

"Well, it sure took some doing, but your gun DID kill Steve. Good job."

"Thank you, Dr. Limmy."

"Although the damage output left a little to be des-"

"u........ugh......"

"SWEET MOTHER OF MONKEY SWEETNESS!"

Dr. Limmy threw the gun down and snatched the newly developed Vanu knife of the shelf, clicking it on. And then he stopped, and looked at Dr. Moopface.

"Dr. Moopface?"

"Yes, Dr. Limmy?"

"ugh....h....h....help...."

"Dr. Moopface, can you explain to me the reason why you designed the knife to glow?"

"Ah yes. I see you noticed. It glows, yes... glows with POWER!"

Dr. Limmy's blank stare forced Dr. Moopface to fill the silence.

"Maybe you didn't hear me. Glows... with... POWER!"

Dr. Limmy got so angry he shook. But with force of will he calmed down, turned to Steve, and said, "Say hello to the spawn tubes for me, Steve."

"h.........hello......."

ZHOOMPH!

[insaneferret]

Dr. Moopface held the Pulsar in his hands. It felt cool, the metal slightly below room temperature. He ran his hand over the top and down the side. His creation. His legacy.
The door to the lab opened and Dr. Limmy stepped through.

"Hello, Dr. Moopface. Isn't it a nice day outs-"

BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW-BZOW!

Calmly, Dr. Moopface set the Pulsar down on the table. With a small spring in his step, he left the labs, walked down the hall, and enterd the spawn room. Steve was already there, working on a matrix panel.

Leaning against the wall, Dr. Moopface said, "Good morning Steve."

"Good morning, Dr. Moopface," Steve replied, straining as he cranked the wrench.

"How's the wife?"

"Died again this morning. Some jerk in a Reaver."

Dr. Moopface nodded. "Bet she wasn't too happy."

"Nope."

There was a bit of silence, punctuated finally by the hiss of the spawn door opening. Dr. Limmy stumbled out of it, blinking blearily around the room.

"What do you think of the new Pulsar, Dr. Limmy?"

Dr. Limmy ran a hand through his hair, coughing. "Ow."

"That was the idea," smiled Dr. Moopface, walking with Limmy back to the lab. "Sorry about being so crass about it, but I thought you'd appreciate the demonstration."

"I did, Dr. Moopface. I think you'll enjoy mine much better."

"Oh? What's that?"

"You'll see... eventually."

They entered the labs and Dr, Moopface put the pulsar back into the locker. "What were you going to say before I shot you, Dr Limmy?"

Dr. Limmy snapped his fingers. "Oh! Thats right. The high command announced theres a new assault buggy."

Dr. Moopface spun around, shocked. "They... they scrapped my idea?"

"Well, no, they didn't. They just hired a different scientist to design it."

Dr. Moopface sat down, looking at the floor. "Well... I suppose I can't be the only scientist in the Vanu sovereingty, can I?"

"Of course not, Dr. Moopface. There are plenty of people just as incompetent, ready for the job."

"I'm in no mood for jokes, Dr. Limmy."

"Right... a joke. Thats what that was."

The days past. Dr. Moopface, in his sorrow from being ousted from designing the Thresher, decreased the AI max's AP mode out of spite, but hardly anyone seemed to notice. Finally, on Thursday...

"Dr. Moopface," said Dr. Limmy, coming into the lab to find Dr. Moopface tinkering with the Beamer. "The scientist designing the Thresher is coming down in a few moments to discuss your design."

Dr. Moopface's eyes lit up, and he stopped decreasing thw damage for the Beamer for a bit. "You're serious? Coming here to ask my advice?"

Dr. Limmy folded his arms, smiling. "That seems to be the basic jist of it, yes."

The door opened and in stepped a man in a white labcoat. Maybe around middle-aged, with glasses and greying hair, the man was the picture-perfect scientist.

"Dr. Moopface, meet Dr. N00bkillah69. Dr. N00bkillah69, Dr. Moopface, the Vanu head development scientist," said Dr. Limmy.

"Charmed," said Dr. Moopface, shaking his hand.

"HEY MOOPFCAE WAZUP D00D?" asked Dr. N00bkillah69.

Dr. Moopface took a sudden step back. "Excuse me?"

"LOL I SED WASSUP? I HERD LOTZ ABOT J00"

Dr. Moopface simply stared, and leaned closer to Dr. Limmy. "Why is he talking like that?" he whispered.

Dr. Limmy couldn't stop staring himself. "I don't know," he replied.

"ROFLMAO ANY WAY I WAZ WONDRING ABOT YR DESGIN FOR DA THRESH." Said Dr. N00bkillah69, taking out a clipboard and pointing to some figures. "YU GOT ALL CRAZY WITH TEH SPECS YO!!1!1 DIS THING AINT GOT NO ARMRO!1!!"

Dr. Moopface moved his lips, sounding out the words. "Ohh... no armor. Yes, well, see, that would make it too heavy and the hoverjets wouldn't work..."

"OMFG! I NEVR THOT OF THAT! ROFLMAO"

"Someone make him stop talking," said Dr. Limmy weakly.

"AND DA GUN SUXXORS D00D!1 IT SH00TS REEL SLOW AND STUFF! #%*@#$&!!1!11!"

Dr. Moopface desperately tried to keep up. "Well, see, the gun needs to-"

"I MEEN THE THRESH TAKES DMG FROM THE V TERM, D00D!!1!!1 DIS @&%$ IS WACK YO!"

"Steve?" said Dr. Limmy, taking a few more steps back.

"Heyo!" said Steve, poking his head in.

"I MEEN DA MARADER HAS THRE GUNNERZ!!1! LOLOLOL!!1!1"

Dr. Moopface simply stood as if in a trance. Dr. Limmy pointed at Dr. N00bkillah69. "Steve, kill this man."

"Righto."

Like a wild animal, Steve pounced on the good doctor and beat him senseless with a wrench. When the ghastly deed was done, Dr. Limmy approached Dr. Moopface and gave him a shake.

"Its all over, Dr. Moopface."

Dr. Moopface was still standing there, eyes glazed over, a small device clutched in his hand. Dr. Limmy waved his hands in front of Dr. Moopface's...uh... face, but got no reaction.

"Well, this is odd. Just a moment ago he was-"

Dr. Moopface suddenly lurched forward, stumbled, and got his balance back. Dr. Limmy rushed to him and held him steady. "Doctor!"

Dr. Moopface waved Dr. Limmy off. "Dr. Limmy, it works! It really works!"

"What does, Dr. Moopface? Why were you in a coma?

"I'll tell you why! This!" Dr. Moopface held a small square device above his head. "Dr. Limmy, I give you... the Lethal Death device! Or... the LD, for short!"

[insaneferret]

It was a sunny day on the Vanu Sanctuary, and Dr. Moopface was spending it outside, putting the final touches on the Vanu's newest armored assault vehicle, the formidable Magrider. Steve was with him, poking at various obligatory machine parts with some sort of mysterious alien tool.
"Make sure you co-alabrate the drive-shift nanite stabalizers, Steve," said Dr. Moopface.

"Sure thing, Doc," said Steve, ignoring him as he continued to pretend to work.

Dr. Limmy approached them then, holding a glass of lemonade in his hand. "Good morning, Dr. Moopface. Working on such a beautiful day?"

"Dr. Limmy, if our brave and noble soldiers can fight to the death on a day like today, I feel it is my duty to at least spend some of it aiding their valiant struggle."

"Mm-hmm," said Dr. Limmy, taking a sip of the lemonade. Um, that is, the TECHNO-LEMONADE, which has been infused with ancient Vanu technology, making it a bit tangier than the other empire's barbarian lemonade.

"I was just putting the final touches on it," said Dr. Moopface, tapping the purple side of the tank, making a hollow clang noise. "I was wondering what you thought. Your imput is always useful."

"And," said Dr. Limmy, "since you employ your devices anyway, I can only assume my advice is purely a novelty."

"Dr. Limmy, you shock me. Come, have a look at it. Tell me I have not created the pinnacle of deathmachines."

Dr. Limmy walked around the side of the tank, to the back, and looked under it. Dr. Limmy nodded to Steve and at the impressive hovering ability, because if its one thing the Vanu love, its stuff that floats.

"I see you gave it hover jets," said Dr. Limmy, making conversation.

"Yes, I figured it would add a certain something to it. The ability to strafe, cross water..."

"Look amazingly cool..."

Dr. Moopface chuckled. "Yes, that too."

As Limmy rounded the front to have a look at the advance gun, his head collided with something very hard and very metal.

Bong! "Ow! What the-"

"Ooh, watch it, Dr. Limmy," warned Dr. Moopface, coming around to the front, taking a few steps to avoid something that didn't seem to be there. "You ran right into the plow."

Rubbing his head, Dr. Limmy looked blearily at Dr. Moopface. Why was there always SOMETHING? "Plow, Dr. Moopface?"

"Well, yes. I thought it would make a good edition to the tank."

"Dr. Moopface, thats not like you. How... devious."

Nodding proudly, Dr. Moopface ran his hand over the invisible plow. He clicked something, and the plow shimmered into view. It was a sinister thing, covered with various spikes and sharp edges, and the spikes were oozing a strange liquid material. "Yes, I thought it would be very handy on Esmair and Cyssor. You know, with all that snow."

Dr. Limmy hesitated, his smile wavering. "Snow?"

"Well, sure. What else would you use the plow for?"

"But... why'd you make it invisible?"

Dr. Moopface folded his arms over his chest. "Why, so the pilot could see."

"And... the spikes?"

"For trees or other soft debris in the way. Don't want the hover jets getting damaged by fallen lumber."

Dr. Limmy stared at him like he was mad. "But... but... whats this stuff coming out of the spikes?"

"Oh, that? Snake venom mixed with corrosive acid."

In the small silence that followed, Steve's tinkering and a bird singing could be heard.

"Acid. And snake venom."

"Yup. Mixed, of course."

Dr. Limmy threw up his hands. "Ok, I can't wait. Why those?"

"Well, we had quite a bit of it in boxes and we weren't using it so I figured, hey, I bet this stuff will melt snow and burn through the lumber quick, why not?"

Dr. Limmy looked at the plow, then back to Dr. Moopface, then back to the plow. It looked like someone took a plow, grabbed a saw, and then put the saw back down and took the plow into the very bowels of Hell, wher Lucifer worked night and day to create the ultimate destroyer of man. In a bad mood.

"Snow."

"Oh, absolutely. Snow can really slow these things dow-"

"Dr. Moopface, doesn't it occur to you that the drivers will use the plow to just run people over?"

Dr. Moopface laughed. "Yeah, right. 'Run them over'. you're a real class act, Dr. Limmy."

"Dr. Moopface, you gave it spikes with acid and venom and made it invisible! On the fastest tank in the world! And you think they're going to believe for a second that its for SNOW?"

"Well, of course. What driver in his right mind would use it for anything else? You've got some odd thoughts in your head, Dr. Limmy."

"Dr. Moopface, you are an abso-" Dr. Limmy trailed off, glanced at the plow, and then back to the doctor. "...solutely correct person. You're right. What was I thinking? No driver would just run people over. you're right. I'm going to... um... go... over there and... do... that thing... I said I was going to do... which is not at all related with what we're talking about. At all."

"Ok. Have fun, Dr. Limmy."

"Yeah. Fun. Yeah."

Many hours later, in the Hart shuttle building, a few Vanu soldiers were huddles around the bullitine board. On it was a sheet of paper that read:

"NEW TANK UNVEILED!

The Vanu sovereignty has a new weapon in our struggle for technological superiority. Please attend the seminar regarding the Magrider and its effect on your fighting.

Also, be sure to attend Dr. Limmy's seminar, 'The Ramrider: Why guns are for sissies' directly afterwards."

[Spinning Hat]

:lol: OMG... That is so funny.... Too bad the magrider isn't really the fastest tank tho.. :(

[Walks on Clouds]

Great! Very nice piece of work. :D

[SlayerZero]

Sweet mother of munkey sweetness...LOL, I still hurt from laughing

[Elemento]

That is really great fiction, much like our attempts to rule Auraxis.;)
Now as a money makin scheme to the TR & NC, it would fund those lab projects further.
Gotta get the financial advisor in on this. If we can make the enemy die laughing, that would be the best weapon, I just know it.:D

[Shoddy]

Wow, that's awesome. The bit with the guy talking in caps was hillarious.

[IamRascal]

Classic, so true too. What pilot would ever think of using it for anything except snow plowing ............

Reaver Pilots unite, we must get one of those "snow plows" installed. You know, for snow on landing pads... ya.... that's the ticket.

[insaneferret]

question, i havent flown reaver scince beta, can you do a old school shrike ram with one?

[IamRascal]

don't know havn't tried it on soft targets only NC AA maxes. I'd guess you could, you and give damage when you collide with other reavers :)........ not that I ever try that method.

:cool:

[VeryGrimm]

I can tell you first-hand that mosquitos blow up when they old school shrike ram enemy maxs :p

[Ghryphen]

http://www.thzclan.com/hosted/planetside/forum/view.php?pg=vslabs

[Shoddy]

HEY!

[Ghryphen]

Hehe, anyone know the authors name?

[IamRascal]

The Gryphon.....is dead ;)

[Elemento]

How does my commonly used screen name get to be the doctor?
At least it's some honor. ROFL
Thanks Gryphon.;)

[LoS_LadyC]

Hehehe Gryph, you got me! I saw my name in that, and without reading it I told Coach I was a character in a satire. Once I began to read it I figured it out.

Sooooo coooooooool dooood!

I bow to da master Gryphon. :bow:

[Torque]

Infamy. Yep, that's what it is, infamy. :rockon:

[insaneferret]

lol @ Dr. insaneferret wish i could take credit but the guy who wrote was called gamerguru on official forums, read the first sentence i wrote, gotta change steve to skeez or something lol

[insaneferret]

GamerGuru
PlanetSide Member

posted 07-08-2003 03:02 PM user search report post
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Dr. Limmy entered the Lab so see Dr. Moopface diligently polishing off the new Lasher. It didn't LOOK all that different, but Dr. Moopface had promised a sweeping change, and Dr. Limmy was understandably excited to hear it.
"So, Dr. Moopface, how's the new gun?"

"Dr. Limmy, I have outdone even myself. the troops asked, and thus, I have given them."

"Excellent, do tell."

Dr. Moopface waved a finger. "Oh, no. You're a bright man, Dr. Limmy. I'm willing to bet you can guess."

Dr. Limmy had a seat, rubbing his chin. "Alright, lets see... the troops were asking for... hmm... oh! Faster orbs!"

Dr. Moopface shook his head, and Dr. Limmy sunk a little. "A bit too much to ask, I suppose."

"You can't expect RAW, UNTAMED POWER to travel too fast, can you?"

"When you show me raw, untamed power, I'll believe it. Ok, lets see... more damage? That one seems obvious."

"Nope, try again."

"Bigger clip?"

"Nope."

"... better lashing?"

"Sorry, the flux translationer isn't meant for that kind of tweaking."

Dr. Limmy threw up his arms. "Alright! I give up. What, in all your wisdom, Dr. Moopface, have you done to our Lasher?"

"A higher rate of fire!"

Silence permeated the room. Dr. Limmy got up and walked calmly over to Dr. Moopface, who stood, grinning proudly. Dr. Limmy looked at the lasher, and gently took it from Dr. Moopface's hands. He studied it, ran his hand down it, tested the weight, and nodded approvingly.

And then he beamed Dr. Moopface over the head with it.

"Well, it makes a good kudgel..."

((End of story))

Higher rate of fire? Goody. More orbs to dodge, AND the clip drains faster. SWEET. I think that actually makes it MORE INEFFECTUAL at outdoor fighting.

Whoo, I say. Dr. Moopface strikes again.